Performance date: May, 2007
Venue: Cambridge Hall

Some people are never happy….

After a long week of deliberations by the troupe, which involved a few heated debates but only one stabbing, we selected a winner for the You! Write the Last Line contest. Actually three winners, because we have second & third place runner-ups. Runner-ups will receive a Sketch Mates T-Shirt and coffee mug.

First Place: Lenard
Winning line to be added to the final script for “Going for Coffee”: “[FLIPPING THROUGH DAYTIMER] 2018… 2019… 2020! Wha…? Oh, SHIT! It’s booked! Steve, wait! 10 o’clock is booked! How about 11? [EXITS, CHASING AFTER STEVE]”

2nd Place: Jim
Winning line: “[TO AUDIENCE, EXCITED AND A BIT CONSPIRATORIAL] I’ve got a date with a doctor!”

3rd Place:  Steven
Winning line:  [TO AUDIENCE, IN A desperate SOUNDING DELIVERY] ”Who wants to feel my lump?”

Some of the violence that erupted in the Sketch Mates boardroom was about selecting 2nd and 3rd-place winners. We liked many of the entries, particularly belphebe’s and Scott’s. Special mention goes to Dintimore who took it the extra mile.

Thanks to all who entered!

Sketch Mates is having a contest to see who can write the funniest last line for “Going for Coffee”, a Sketch Mates skit to be performed and taped soon. The winner will receive a Sketch Mates mug, T-shirt, and the glory of seeing your line performed when the video is posted here. See the full script for “Going for Coffee” at the end of this post.

The current last line “Man, what I have to do to dodge some people” is cheese, influenced by The Globe and Mail’s Your Morning Smile and maybe (but not likely) our habit of sucking on lead fishing weights.

Submit your line by posting a comment here. We’re looking for a single line to replace “Man, what I have to do to dodge some people” but won’t disqualify other creative ways to end the skit.

Contest closes midnight (PST) Feb 09/09. Good luck! And here’s the script:

Going for Coffee
© Sketch Mates
All rights reserved

ACTORS: 2 guys - Steve and Brian
SCENE: Street (bus stop)

[BRIAN IS ON STAGE, WATING FOR A BUS. STEVE ENTERS STAGE, NOTICES BRIAN AND WANTS TO AVOID HIM. BUT BRIAN SEES HIM.]

Brian
Steve! Hey, long time no see.

Steve
Brian! How’ve you been?

Brian
Doctor found a lump on one of my testicles.

Steve
Oh, I’m sorry. Have you started treatmen….

Brian
Wanna feel it?

Steve
NO.

Brian
We should get together for coffee some time.

Steve
Yeah, for sure.

Brian
When’s good for you? How about this week?

Steve
Ah, no, this week’s not good.

Brian
Next week?

Steve
No, next week’s not good either.

Brian
How about in a couple of weeks then?

Steve
Wrapping up a big project at work around that time. Can’t.

Brian
I had a strange dream last night.

Steve
Really.

Brian
I dreamt that I was asleep.

Steve
And…?

Brian
Nothing. I just slept.

Steve
Ok. Did you dream, in your dream?

Brian
No.

Steve
Look, I gotta head.

Brian
Maybe we could meet for coffee over the summer?

Steve
We’re out of town all summer on the coast.

Brian
September….

Steve
I’ll be in school. I got accepted to Med school.

Brian
I got a new laugh.

Steve
Huh?

Brian
I wanted a more distinctive laugh. So I hired a coach. Tell me a joke.

Steve
I don’t know any.

Brian
Come on. Anything.

Steve
Alright… What’s telepathy between blonds?

Brian
Dunno.

Steve
Air mail.

BRIAN DOESN’T LAUGH.

Steve
It was the only one I could think….

BRIAN LAUGHS A LUDICROUS LAUGH.

Brian
You like it?

Steve
It’s awesome…

Brian
You like the pause at the start and at the end?

Steve
Keep that. I gotta run…

Brian
What are you planning to do after Med school?

Steve
Open a family practice. Takes about 8 years of long hours to get established. After that it’s smooth sailing.

Brian
2020. Sounds good.

Steve
What sounds good?

Brian
We could meet for coffee after you’ve got your medical practice established.

Steve
[INCREDULOUS] You want to meet for coffee in 2020?

Brian
Ok. What day’s good for you?

Steve
You pick.

Brian
Wednesday October 23rd.

Steve
You got it. October 23rd, 2020.

Brian
What time?

Steve
10.

Brian
10’s booked. How about 11?

Steve
Done.

Brian
How will I recognize you, in case you’ve aged phenomenally?

Steve
Um, you can do your laugh, and I’ll recognize you.

Brian
What if it becomes popular and everyone’s doing it?

Steve
Let’s gamble on that not happening.

Brian
Cool. See you then.

Steve
Yeah. Bye.

STEVE EXITS STAGE.

Brian
[TO AUDIENCE, IN A MORE NORMAL SOUNDING DELIVERY] Man, what I have to do to dodge some people….

[SCENE ENDS]

Here’s how to laugh at a Sketch Mates skit when you’re not sure it’s funny, but you don’t want to appear low on humor to friends, co-workers, or your intertube brethren:

SNL’s “Jizz in My Pants” and Sketch Mates’ [post=”8″ text=”The Prompt Lover”] are much alike. But did SNL seriously jack the idea? For the official Sketch Mates position on this, please see the response to “Prompt Lover Skit Predates Jizz by 2 years” on the SNL chat board from our moderator Will McGuinty: NBC Message Board discussion.

The Prompt Lover takes his condom off to the “Jizz In My Pants” guys from the recent SNL digital short by Andy Samberg and The Lonely Island troupe. “I guess great minds think alike and have the same awesome sexual disorders.” See for yourself:

And here again is our Prompt Lover (from 2006):

“Those guys got it right”, says the loin-stoccoing Casanova, “but need to work on their follow-through”. He offers this mentoring because he’s been doing “it” longer (”As a teenager, I gave new meaning to “Look Ma, no hands”).

The Prompt Lover says the similarity between him and the “Jizz in my Pants” dudes puts them along with famous people in history who arrived at the same great idea independently. “I’m thinking of Charles Darwin and that other guy [Alfred Russel Wallace] who each came up with the Theory of Relativity about the same time. But the jizz is on Darwin because without You Tube he’ll fade into obscurity.”

When asked how women respond to his no-touch lovemaking, he says they love it. “They’re flattered. Any guy can say “You look nice”, but I prove it”.

When not playing Frisbee with yesterday’s underwear, for a fee he’ll deliver a “Jizz-O-Gram” (”Say it with an orgasm”) to the one you love. He hopes to grow the business and start franchising next year.