You! write the last line contest
Sketch Mates is having a contest to see who can write the funniest last line for “Going for Coffee”, a Sketch Mates skit to be performed and taped soon. The winner will receive a Sketch Mates mug, T-shirt, and the glory of seeing your line performed when the video is posted here. See the full script for “Going for Coffee” at the end of this post.
The current last line “Man, what I have to do to dodge some people” is cheese, influenced by The Globe and Mail’s Your Morning Smile and maybe (but not likely) our habit of sucking on lead fishing weights.
Submit your line by posting a comment here. We’re looking for a single line to replace “Man, what I have to do to dodge some people” but won’t disqualify other creative ways to end the skit.
Contest closes midnight (PST) Feb 09/09. Good luck! And here’s the script:
Going for Coffee
© Sketch Mates
All rights reserved
ACTORS: 2 guys - Steve and Brian
SCENE: Street (bus stop)
[BRIAN IS ON STAGE, WATING FOR A BUS. STEVE ENTERS STAGE, NOTICES BRIAN AND WANTS TO AVOID HIM. BUT BRIAN SEES HIM.]
Brian
Steve! Hey, long time no see.
Steve
Brian! How’ve you been?
Brian
Doctor found a lump on one of my testicles.
Steve
Oh, I’m sorry. Have you started treatmen….
Brian
Wanna feel it?
Steve
NO.
Brian
We should get together for coffee some time.
Steve
Yeah, for sure.
Brian
When’s good for you? How about this week?
Steve
Ah, no, this week’s not good.
Brian
Next week?
Steve
No, next week’s not good either.
Brian
How about in a couple of weeks then?
Steve
Wrapping up a big project at work around that time. Can’t.
Brian
I had a strange dream last night.
Steve
Really.
Brian
I dreamt that I was asleep.
Steve
And…?
Brian
Nothing. I just slept.
Steve
Ok. Did you dream, in your dream?
Brian
No.
Steve
Look, I gotta head.
Brian
Maybe we could meet for coffee over the summer?
Steve
We’re out of town all summer on the coast.
Brian
September….
Steve
I’ll be in school. I got accepted to Med school.
Brian
I got a new laugh.
Steve
Huh?
Brian
I wanted a more distinctive laugh. So I hired a coach. Tell me a joke.
Steve
I don’t know any.
Brian
Come on. Anything.
Steve
Alright… What’s telepathy between blonds?
Brian
Dunno.
Steve
Air mail.
BRIAN DOESN’T LAUGH.
Steve
It was the only one I could think….
BRIAN LAUGHS A LUDICROUS LAUGH.
Brian
You like it?
Steve
It’s awesome…
Brian
You like the pause at the start and at the end?
Steve
Keep that. I gotta run…
Brian
What are you planning to do after Med school?
Steve
Open a family practice. Takes about 8 years of long hours to get established. After that it’s smooth sailing.
Brian
2020. Sounds good.
Steve
What sounds good?
Brian
We could meet for coffee after you’ve got your medical practice established.
Steve
[INCREDULOUS] You want to meet for coffee in 2020?
Brian
Ok. What day’s good for you?
Steve
You pick.
Brian
Wednesday October 23rd.
Steve
You got it. October 23rd, 2020.
Brian
What time?
Steve
10.
Brian
10’s booked. How about 11?
Steve
Done.
Brian
How will I recognize you, in case you’ve aged phenomenally?
Steve
Um, you can do your laugh, and I’ll recognize you.
Brian
What if it becomes popular and everyone’s doing it?
Steve
Let’s gamble on that not happening.
Brian
Cool. See you then.
Steve
Yeah. Bye.
STEVE EXITS STAGE.
Brian
[TO AUDIENCE, IN A MORE NORMAL SOUNDING DELIVERY] Man, what I have to do to dodge some people….
[SCENE ENDS]
February 4th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Here you go:
Move your actual *funny* line to the end. It will be sad to not use it where it is, but it will get more mileage later.
When Steve says “10″, Brian doesn’t say “10’s booked. How about 11?”, instead he just says “10 sounds great”.
Then at the end,
STEVE EXITS STAGE
Brian
[FLIPPING THROUGH DAYTIMER] 2018… 2019… 2020! Wha…? Oh, SHIT! It’s booked! Steve, wait! 10 o’clock is booked! How about 11? [EXITS, CHASING AFTER STEVE]
[SCENE ENDS]
February 4th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
That’s very funny and a great start to the contest. Have you ever thought of doing sketch comedy?
February 5th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
Ahhh, just had similar idea as previous poster
Brian would find out that 11 is actually booked.
He can browse ridiculously large binder with notes similar to what Ron Jeremy has, while setting the time for a meeting.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Hi! I saw this contest listed over at writing.com. (By the way, the link posted over there is broken - it has an extra period at the end of the url). Here’s the last line:
Brian
[TO AUDIENCE, EXCITED AND A BIT CONSPIRATORIAL] I’ve got a date with a doctor!
February 5th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
No worries, iliadav, we’ll consider yours anyway.
February 6th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Brian
[TO AUDIENCE, IN A MORE NORMAL SOUNDING DELIVERY. POINTS WITH THUMB BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER, SMIRKING]…”Doctor huh? (PAUSES) (SMIRKS AGAIN) Wrong bus!”
February 7th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Not exactly one line:
[There’s a man sitting at on a bench at the bus stop reading a newspaper. After Steve is out of earshot, Brian looks at the man.]
Brian:
So? How was that?
Man: [puts newspaper aside casually and stands]
Brian, I’ve gotta admit — [Pause]
Brian:
Well?
Man:
[dubious] Well — [changing tone, to enthusiastic] you brought your A-game today!
Brian [high fiving the man]:
Oh yeah!
Man:
I gotta say it was bang on –
Brian:
It was?
Man:
Oh yeah, you bet. And you know, I didn’t think you’d get it that quickly.
Brian:
Really?
Man:
Yeah, and it really comes across quite naturally. The little pause at the start — gold.
Brian:
Oh yeah?
Man:
Oh for sure, except, now, you’re at the point where you need to start working it in to conversations more naturally.
Brian:
Ah.
Man:
Remember, this is part of your life now. This is *YOUR* laugh. This is *YOU*. You don’t need to tell people “Hey, this is my laugh, do you think it’s okay?” You know what I mean?
Brian:
Ah, right, right, yeah. I know, It’s coming. It’s — I’m getting there. I’m just –
Man:
No, I know. And you’re doing great. You really are. I’m very proud of you. I mean, we’ve only been working on this for a few months, and you’ve made incredible progress. And, like I said, I’m just really proud.
Brian:
Thanks a lot, man, it means so much to me. I mean, first it was the lump, and then my girlfriend left because of my laugh, and now –
Man:
And now?
Brian:
Well, I really feel like my life is turning around.
Man: [clapping him on the shoulder]
I’m glad to hear it.
Brian:
And you know what else?
Man:
What?
Brian:
I think it’s shrinking…
Man:
The lump? Really?
Brian:
Oh yeah, I think since I started working the new laugh, it started shrinking…
Man: [pause]
Really?
Brian:
Yeah! I think it’s gone into remission.
Man:
Uh, but Brian, I thought the doctor said it was benign?
Brian: [ignoring him, unzipping his pants]
Here, feel it.
Man:
Brian, I’ve gotta go. But we –
Brian:
Aw, come on, this is like, the fruits of your labor [holding palm upward in a cupping motion], I mean I couldn’t have done it without you.
Man:
Okay, okay, let’s check this out [sticking his hand in Brian’s pants]
Brian:
EEEEEE!!!
Man:
Oh, crap, [withdrawing hand quickly] are - are you okay? Did I - did I hurt you?
Brian:
[giggling, bashful] Your hand is cold.
Man:
[Deep breath in] Okay, well Brian, I really need to go now, but I don’t want to lose the momentum we’ve got going here.
Brian:
Yeah, yeah totally [having a bit of trouble zipping up]
Man:
So, let’s set up our next session, work out some of the kinks –
Brian:
Yeah, for sure [flipping through the calendar on his blackberry], can you do next Tuesday at 3?
Man:
Nah, I’m working with a client — [conspiratorial] she got a — bit of a — pig-snort laugh.
Brian: [still flipping]
Okay — let’s see — booked solid next 6 months — December 18, 10 AM?
Man:
Sure — ahhhh —nnnnno, ah, [apologetic] I’m kayaking Indian Arm that day.
Brian:
Really?
Man:
Uh huh.
Brian:
Isn’t the water like, really cold in December?
Man: [Pause]
Yeah.
Brian: [Awkward pause, looks at blackberry]
March 6, 2013, 2 PM?
Man: [snaps and points at Brian]
We’re on!
Brian:
Alright! See ya then!
Man:
Yeah, see ya then!
[They take off in opposite directions]
February 7th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Brian
[To audience]
Thanks for helping me out there. Don’t any of you ever think of asking me for any favors.
February 8th, 2009 at 12:59 am
This came in from Steven (on the “Going for coffee” post):
[TO AUDIENCE, IN A desperate SOUNDING DELIVERY]”Who wants to feel my lump?”
(OR) [TO AUDIENCE, IN A MORE thoughtful SOUNDING DELIVERY]”A good friend will feel a man’s lump.”
February 9th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
[MARY ENTERS, NOTICES BRIAN, HESITATES, THEN TURNS TO FLEE JUST AS BRIAN SEES HER.]
Brian
Mary! Hey, Long time no see.
(and you know/assume he’s going to go through the same thing again…)
February 11th, 2009 at 6:57 am
” All that talk on testicles…makes me..Hmm, _I’d_better bring the cream…”
February 11th, 2009 at 8:02 pm
Brian
[TO AUDIENCE, IN A HUSHED DELIVERY] Do ya think he knows I’m bangin’ his wife?
February 15th, 2009 at 9:30 am
(LAST LINE) Brian, talking to himself wanders off embittered……
“Fergie makes a seductive song about lovely desirable lady lumps and makes millions, and I can’t get an old friend to give me a nut massage in exchange for a quick laugh? So what if my lumps are self-diagnosed. People can be so selfish, and weird, hey, hey YOU, (to a MIME), want to hear my laugh? The Mime starts boxing himself in, (gladly), with a serious face, shaking his head no while moon-walking backwards…