Sketch Mates

Ice to hear from you

dtan — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 21:40:33 +0000

I call the manager, and his assistant answers. The gatekeeper. Pleasant voice, until I give my name. Suddenly I get this frosty “What is this regarding???” It’s like an icycle comes out the phone and into your ear.

QN#0015

AA.M

dtan — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:24:03 +0000

I’ve really cut back on my drinking. Now I only drink before work.

QN#0014

Again with feeling

dtan — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 05:34:24 +0000

QN: He gets acting gigs, but none that are speaking parts.
Me: What roles?
QN: He’s the bad guy the hero beats up.
Me: No speaking parts at all?
QN: Yeah, I suppose “Ooof!”

QN#0013

Read the label

dtan — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 05:37:11 +0000

“Reading” the label on a tube of makeup:

“Liquid revitalizing moisturizing foundation makeup and bathroom caulking compound.”

QN#0012

Jealous Girl

dtan — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 15:09:29 +0000

Performance date: May, 2007
Venue: Cambridge Hall

Some people are never happy….

Lunchroom

dtan — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 13:59:06 +0000

Performance date: May, 2007
Venue: Cambridge Hall

Working your way through college may include Lunchroom Banter 101….

Baby Einstein

dtan — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 06:48:41 +0000

Youngest of the Quotable Nobodies so far, here is my son at the school talent show doing stand-up with his own jokes. With cue cards to help remember his lines, but no mike (hence the subtitles), he did an awesome job and got laughs from those who heard him.

The X-factor

dtan — Thu, 28 May 2009 14:42:58 +0000

Performance date: May, 2007
Venue: Cambridge Hall

You meet her ex-boyfriend. She’s dating you, not him, so what could go wrong? Find out….

The delusionist

dtan — Sat, 02 May 2009 05:44:39 +0000

A special nod goes to this comedic genius QN, a living legend who could pull riffs like this out of thin air and create characters that could rival those of Sasha Baron-Cohen and Kids in the Hall. This one came out of nowhere on our way to see a doc about the Soviet Union:

“Yeah St. Petersburg used to be called Leningrad, and before that it was called Petrograd. Kiev was another major city then too. [Then, in pseudo Russian accent:] “BUT WOMEN IN KIEV NOT LIKE WOMEN IN PETROGRAD. WOMEN IN PETROGRAD– THEY COME LIKE CRAZY. CLITORIS– BIG LIKE PENIS. SQUIRT IN MOUTH! WAIT A MINUTE… THAT IS PENIS. OH, HO! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!”

QN#0010

Mr. Advice

dtan — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 19:57:57 +0000

“My friend comes to me with a problem and says “QN, what should I do?” I say “Here’s what you do: go downtown to the department store. Lay down on the floor and, you know those long cracks in the tiles, put one eye up against a crack, and yell “I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT!”

You know, I give my friend this advice, and he just gets annoyed with me.”
QN#0009