I call the manager, and his assistant answers. The gatekeeper. Pleasant voice, until I give my name. Suddenly I get this frosty “What is this regarding???” It’s like an icycle comes out the phone and into your ear.
QN#0015
I’ve really cut back on my drinking. Now I only drink before work.
QN#0014
“Reading” the label on a tube of makeup:
“Liquid revitalizing moisturizing foundation makeup and bathroom caulking compound.”
QN#0012
Youngest of the Quotable Nobodies so far, here is my son at the school talent show doing stand-up with his own jokes. With cue cards to help remember his lines, but no mike (hence the subtitles), he did an awesome job and got laughs from those who heard him.
A special nod goes to this comedic genius QN, a living legend who could pull riffs like this out of thin air and create characters that could rival those of Sasha Baron-Cohen and Kids in the Hall. This one came out of nowhere on our way to see a doc about the Soviet Union:
“Yeah St. Petersburg used to be called Leningrad, and before that it was called Petrograd. Kiev was another major city then too. [Then, in pseudo Russian accent:] “BUT WOMEN IN KIEV NOT LIKE WOMEN IN PETROGRAD. WOMEN IN PETROGRAD– THEY COME LIKE CRAZY. CLITORIS– BIG LIKE PENIS. SQUIRT IN MOUTH! WAIT A MINUTE… THAT IS PENIS. OH, HO! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!”
QN#0010
“My friend comes to me with a problem and says “QN, what should I do?” I say “Here’s what you do: go downtown to the department store. Lay down on the floor and, you know those long cracks in the tiles, put one eye up against a crack, and yell “I CAN SEE IT, I CAN SEE IT!”
You know, I give my friend this advice, and he just gets annoyed with me.”
QN#0009
Lunch-room banter about squeaky beds and the noise they make when couples are having sex:
Kathy: I hate that “ee-er ee-er ee-er” noise.
Mike: Especially as it gets faster and louder: ee-er ee-er ee-er ee-er ee-er ee-er ….
QN (guy): With me, it’s just ee-er.
QN#0008
“This book is so boring. It should come with a warning that says to not operate heavy machinery after reading it.”
QN#0007
Explaining a long wait at the gas bar cash register:
“There was a guy ahead of me paying for $60 worth of gas with 10-cent coupons. Must have been saving them for years. The cashier had to count each coupon. Oh, the cheap. Where would we all be without the cheap?”
QN#0006